Turns out

Off to a good start, physically. Mentally, on the other hand...

Turns out that an egg retrieval cycle is tough - really tough - only not at all in the way I’d anticipated. My body feels fine, perfectly fine, other than the sleep deprivation. I haven’t gained weight. My injections haven’t really hurt or bruised; they weren’t even stressful. My blood draw yesterday went beautifully. But I cannot get out of my head.

It doesn’t make sense that I’m so stressed about how my follicles may be progressing. (Some are, some aren’t.) My heart isn’t set on a baby. More than the outcome, the uncertainty around it is keeping me up at nights and killing my daytime focus. Nicolas and my life path will be profoundly impacted by these retrievals, one way or another. It feels like it’s all on me, yet it’s so out of my control.

I can take all the prenatal vitamins, track all my health metrics, read every article, and listen to every MD who made a fertility podcast, but no amount of studying will help me ace this test. I am so out of my depth. This egg retrieval exercise forces me to grapple with my own mortality: I’m playing with a biological system that’s on its last leg, the first in what will be a steady procession of them. Aging feels so abstract and impossible until you actually start to live it.