About a decade ago (already?) I sat down and really digested where I was at. It helped a lot to pause and reflect on the journey I was on, something I haven't had much of an opportunity to do over the past few years of #startuplife. But I've been chewing on a few things, and I think it's time to a post on the thoughts of a mid-thirty-something-year-old.
What does it mean to be here today in my mid-thirties?
My twenties were a time of exploration, of wide-open possibilities, and of one-days. A decade later, some of those one-days are just starting to become todays. The exploration phase has been replaced by the nose-to-the-grindstone phase, like when the booze has to be replaced with the caffeine as you transition from brainstorming to hammering out a project. Here's a snapshot of an older Millennial's mid-thirties existence.
Career
When you're young and ambitious and generally successful, you have vague grand visions of what the future might hold. I remember my frustration while still in school when my dad sent me a cover story on a certain young college-drop-out, a rising star in biotech (before she became today's Elizabeth Holmes) and I wondered why I was taking so long to launch. I finally have launched. It can be hard to accept that my peak will never get me on the cover of a magazine or into any Top X People Under Y list. My peak is working for the richest man on the planet in arguably the coolest neurotech company out there. I own a little slice of this pie and we're going to see how much it grows. I get to make cool tech for people with disabilities, for whom I also get to use my platform to advocate internally at my company. And my job even lets me do cool things like privatize fancy restaurants or yachts in between the tech. Yet somehow, there's a part of me still struggling to embrace the fact that the brightest my star ever burn is as an integral member of a remarkable team, but never as a celebrated individual. Some of these limitations are of my own creation: I choose to sleep, to enjoy friends and sports on weekends, and to have a life outside of work. And yet there is still somewhere a sense of loss, of unfulfilled promise, that can be hard to acknowledge and accept. My career might not have been the nebulous glamor that I'd once vaguely envisioned, but it's fucking awesome. But that's easier said than internalized.
Marriage
That's right, 25-year-old me, someone really is going to put a ring on it! And it'll be a good marriage, an easy marriage. We're drama-free (a blessing it's easy to overlook), and I know that we can handle what life throws our way together. I've got a husband who doesn't mind that I'm rarely useful in the kitchen (beyond mixing cocktails), that I am constantly running in many directions, and that I'm almost always busy coming up with some new Big Plan. When Netflix peddles neatly packaged romances, it can be hard to remember that real life is much less shiny and lacks the well-defined story arc, and that doesn't mean it's missing something. And in fact, ours is on track to get a major win: we are poised to acquire our second nationalities, strengthening both our hands in this game of life.
Finance
You can't make up for not saving a cent from your twenties overnight, but we are on track. The rate at which I'm collecting new passport stamps has wildly reduced, but that comes with the territory of 1. living in the US (less time off, and more time required to travel abroad), 2. having a two-body problem (tough to align two schedules for exciting adventures), and 3. hunkering down on the career and savings fronts. And it's not all about things we can't do: despite the Millennial trope, we've recently become home owners. Our home, like the rest of our finances, is good. No, it wasn't my dream that I'd spend well over a half million for a simple two-bedroom in a slightly sleepy former industrial neighborhood a few miles out from the happening downtown city center, but in today's housing market, I was able to access home ownership within biking distance of any restaurant or bar that might tickle my fancy. Cheers to that!
Community
What a fabulous development this has been over the past year! After missing yet another holiday season at home back in December 2021 and then planning back-to-back chandeleur parties over the first weekend in February to avoid cross-contamination between friend groups, I think we finally snapped and decided we'd had enough with the Covid paranoia. Deciding it was time to start coming out of our bubble and initiating our monthly board games nights is one of the best decisions I think we've made as a couple. We've built up a group of people from a surprisingly interesting set of backgrounds who all come together around games, conversation, and a home-cooked meal once a month, and they bring so much warmth and kindness. It's taken quite some time to get here, but this finally feels like the roots we'd been struggling to plant since landing in California.
Family
This has never been something that I've wanted in the traditional sense. Having a husband who is happy to chart out our own path is such a blessing. Our three fur babies bring us so much joy, and our home certainly has the space for our own unique addition. Despite decades of constantly being told that I'd change my mind or just hadn't yet met the right guy, adoption has always been the path I've dreamt of. And we've finally begun the journey. Although I've occasionally mourned the opportunity to get to meet the human that could be half me and half Nicolas, biological parenting is not the track for me. I have no desire to bear a child, to endure the sleepless nights and the endless diapers, the sticky hands, the pre-verbal frustrations. And I honestly find so much more meaning in giving a second chance to a child in need. I've been heartened by the responses of our friends and even family to our plans. It's been surprising to see how our ideas have changed now that the abstract is beginning to become a near-future plan. Our thoughts about target age, bilingual/bi-cultural integration, and possible international family moves have all undergone surprising revisions as we learn more about the system and the needs of the children in it.
I've been wrapping my head around the idea that part of finding happiness is deciding what kool aid you're okay drinking while still not forgetting that you are drinking somebody's kool aid. There are so many structural inequities and problematic issues in just about whatever we do that the best we sometimes do is just minimize the harm, hopefully do some good, and learn what things we're okay to compromise on without losing ourselves in the process. It's funny that nobody teaches us this along the way, but maybe even if they did it wouldn't make sense until we live it and learn it ourselves.
Nothing is as shiny as I'd once imagined it might be, but everything is solid. My health is such a non-issue that I didn't even devote any notes to that. Nothing feels particularly glamorous, but I suppose this is a snapshot of a privileged mid-thirty-something existence.
No comments:
Post a Comment